Jenny Donnelly is a third-year architecture major and writes “Get Out, Speak Up” for the Daily News. Their views do not necessarily reflect those of the newspaper.
Most relationships start the same: a first date, a second date, a sleepover. They build over time, and they become a commitment.
But for many, the rose-colored glasses become hazy after some time. Sweet nothings become loud outbursts, outings end in tears and people find themselves wondering: How did dating bring me here?
The answer is abuse — a word that instills anxiety in many just simply by reading or hearing the word.
Sadly, for many people, emotional abuse is a daily reality. It became a reality for me. For those navigating dating, it can be possible, and more common than many think, to fall into an abusive relationship.
Emotional abuse, compared to physical abuse, is often harder to describe, identify and define in a legal standing. In many states, it can be hard to prove emotional abuse in the legal system, according to LegalMatch.
Dating is a central part of the college experience for many and can look different for everyone. For myself, dating in college looked like getting into a relationship and thinking it would be full of love. While there was love, there were also toxic and abusive behaviors that emerged over time. I slowly became less of myself, feeling alone and scared, and that no one would take me seriously.
I felt trapped in a living hell.
According to research published by the U.S. Department of Education, it can be easy to ignore red flags in the beginnings of a relationship. It’s easy to be blinded by intense feelings.
Within my abusive relationship, I found myself focusing on the good rather than the bad.
Oftentimes, red flags — the warning signs or signals in a relationship — are simply things a romantic interest could improve on. It’s a different story when the bad manifests as abuse.
One specific tenet of abuse often overlooked is emotional or verbal abuse. According to the aforementioned study, up to 30 percent of undergraduates have experienced emotional abuse in current or past relationships, with a majority of this number being women.
Emotional and verbal abuse can take on many forms, centralizing around the theme of a person wanting to maintain control over their partner. An emotionally abusive partner will typically attempt to make you feel bad about yourself consistently. Many victims of emotional abuse often feel alone, crazy or silenced.
These feelings are perpetrated by an abuser’s attempts to hide their behavior by coercing their partner to keep silent or making threats. Oftentimes, they can even be unaware that what they are experiencing is abnormal and abusive, as the abusive relationship is their reality.
Abusers have the power to make you feel small and like you are going insane. In my experience, this was due to a manipulative technique commonly known as gaslighting. In my scenario, my abuser constantly made me feel like I was the problem, while in reality, I wasn’t.
I was told I was an abusive partner for being “paranoid” that I was getting cheated on only to find out the next day that I was in fact getting cheated on. The accusations and name-calling were only made to serve my abuser’s prerogative, rather than being actual claims.
My abuser would fly into fits of rage and anger. Within my experience of abuse, I endured countless fits of rage for no reason related to me. Night after night, I would come home and fear, Will I get horribly yelled at tonight? Less and less nights were peaceful, and more and more nights were filled with meaningless conflict until I had no choice but to end things.
All relationships are two-sided, and in truth, no partner is perfect. Relationships are all about becoming a better person. I tried to become a better person throughout the entire relationship, as I blamed myself, thinking I was flawed in some way for how I was treated. However, this treatment was not my fault.
If you are treated this way, it is not your fault.
If a partner reaches the point that you are fearing for your safety or feel patronized and alone, this constitutes abuse. I did feel alone, patronized and scared more often than not. I genuinely feared for my safety many times. This was a result of blatant emotional and verbal abuse.
According to the National Library of Medicine, evidence has been displayed that emotional abuse has horrific effects, including emotional abuse being able to cause an equal or higher amount of despair than physical abuse.
Emotional abuse can contribute to both physical and mental health issues, such as depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and even fibromyalgia. It often also comes with lifelong trauma.
However, emotional abuse is often overlooked in comparison to physical abuse. Emotional abuse has received significantly less attention than physical and sexual abuse, despite emotional abuse causing similar significant problems.
Leaving an emotionally abusive relationship can be incredibly difficult. In my experience, my abuser made me feel I was the problem, that I was unlovable. The intense attachment made it even more difficult, as I felt unable to stand on my own two feet.
Getting out was the best decision I could have made for myself.
Becoming self-reliant, independent and cutting out the toxicity has been one of the most beneficial things of my life. I am living a new normal, and I can be myself.
Most importantly, I am happy and content.
If you find yourself reading this and questioning whether you are also in an emotionally abusive relationship, I encourage you to get out of that relationship. Tell a loved one and seek support. It can be difficult, but it is rewarding.
I encourage everyone to speak up. Falling into an emotionally abusive relationship is more common than people think.
There is so much love in the world away from abusive partners, and life becomes much better when you get out of the situation. If you are in an abusive relationship, know you are loved and valued, and this is not your fault.
Find yourself and your new normal. Get out, and speak up!
Contact Jenny Donnelly via email at jcdonnelly@bsu.edu.
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