Needless to say, there were difficult moments and times when, with tears, I had to dig deep and learn to believe in myself. It was in those moments, as well as the joyful moments, where I saw glimpses of the person I was at my core again. It was because of these moments that I am beginning to feel like myself again.
Elissa Maudlin is a fourth-year journalism major and writes “Abstraction” for The Daily News. Her views do not reflect those of the paper.
Throughout my first few years in college, I lost myself.
It was a new environment with new friends. I was an undecided major, and the confidence I held from being complimented for previous extracurricular endeavors at my high school faded. I was now recreating myself in some ways, and that came with its own challenges.
According to the Journal of Medical and Dental Sciences, “Self-confidence is the understanding to trust our own judgment and abilities which make us value ourselves.”
The journal created a study based on a questionnaire regarding awareness of confidence levels to a group of college students 18 to 25 years old through an online survey planet link.
According to the study, 49.6 percent of the participants boosted their self-confidence by rewarding their achievements, but 50.4 percent of them boosted their self-confidence from the start.
Also, the study suggested that self confidence increased the participants’ self-esteem, with 92.2 percent of the participants stating that.
From that study, it’s easy to see that self-confidence is connected to how we view ourselves, and if we don’t have confidence in ourselves, it can change how we view the person looking back at us in the mirror.
The problem is, before the end of this year, I didn’t have a lot of confidence in myself. Because of that, my self-image crumbled when I wasn’t constantly being affirmed by my achievements.
However, a lot of that changed with my third and fourth years at Ball State University,; primarily when I became editor-in-chief, and not for the reasons many would expect.
My year of being editor-in-chief wasn’t always filled with the confidence-inducing compliments I had known throughout my high school career. People weren’t feeding my head or boosting my ego with how great I was doing or making me feel like the best all the time.
I realize now that this that was kind of a good thing for me.
For so much of my life, I based my own self-perception on whether or not other people thought I was doing a good job in everything I did. My own confidence could shatter like broken glass if others critiqued me, creating my own unsustainable self-image and dysregulated emotional boundaries.
There were moments of being editor-in-chief when people did tell me I was doing a great job. There were moments I felt such love and compassion from the people around me, moments of joy within the newsroom and beyond. The energy in the newsroom at times could be riveting, and where everyone felt proud to be there.
Like all things in life, there were also moments of contention where I had to trust myself that I was trying my best and that that was enough. There were times when it felt like I was wrong, a bad leader, a bad person. There were moments I questioned every facet of how I thought and why, wondering if I was the one who didn’t have my head on straight, even questioning my truest intentions.
Needless to say, there were difficult moments and times when, with tears, I had to dig deep and learn to believe in myself. It was in those moments, as well as the joyful moments, where I saw glimpses of the person I was at my core again. It was because of these moments that I am beginning to feel like myself again.
That study from the Journal of Medical and Dental Sciences also stated that 80 percent of participants felt a lack of confidence affected their future goals.
Being editor-in-chief became a goal of mine when I was encouraged by others. Originally, I didn’t think I was good enough or knew enough about journalism to sit in that chair at that desk in the newsroom. My journey started with confidence being instilled in me, rather than me actually finding the confidence in myself to know I was capable.
That lack of self confidence caused me more hardship in the roles I wanted, like editor-in-chief, than it needed to. If I let myself fully believe without question that that lack of confidence could affect my goals, low self-assuredness would be able to take control of my entire life.
The only difference between me and that statistic from the Journal of Medical and Dental Sciences is that I refuse to let my goals be swayed by insecurity. Whether I fully believe in myself at that moment or not, I’m showing up, and I’m doing the job because, deep down, I have goals and dreams I’ve set for myself.
Beginning to find yourself, though, isn’t a final destination; for me, I am just starting to get back on the path to finding my confidence. I still have so many moments of self doubt, insecurity and moments of high emotions, and that feeling of me standing by myself in a sea of critics doesn’t just go away.
However, I’m gathering the tools to help me fight when that insecurity comes up. I’m learning to depend on myself more, develop more inner confidence and use that to remain unphased by problems that come my way.
I have my time as editor-in-chief to thank for that. It showed me where my weaknesses are but also where my strengths are. It gave me back that fire to be myself and stand strong in who I am as a person and a journalist. With the good, the bad and the ugly, I learned how to cope with the negative inner voice that pops up from time to time and focus on trying the best I can throughout everything.
Doing the best I can is the number one thing I can control, and it is my superpower.
This is the last article I will ever write for The Ball State Daily News, which comes with its own level of nostalgia. I started in the opinion section, and it seems fitting that this is where my collegiate journalism journey ends.
It also seems fitting that my last article bids farewell to a role at this newspaper I’ve cherished deeply. Even though it took away that sense of security I felt with everyone else’s opinions of me and peer ego boosts, it gave me a brand new sense of self-assuredness and perspective on who I am.
It gave me myself again.
Contact Elissa Maudlin with comments at editor@bsudailynews.com or on Twitter @ejmaudlin.
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