by Trevor Sheffield Around this time last year, I was returning from a week-long excursion with my father down to Universal Studios Orlando, my first foray into the globe-branded theme park chain, and found myself having a legitimately good time for the first time in what felt like ages. I distinctly remember, after going through most of the rides at the resort, jokingly suggesting that we take on Shrek 4-D, an aging theater attraction dedicated to the halitosis-ridden green goof and his highly-profitable adventures. The first red flag should have been the fact that the pre-show video, played on loop in the lines outside, highly advertised VHS copies of the original Shrek being available in the gift shop (they weren’t). The second red flag should have been that the pre-show proper was heralded by a guy doing his best Tyler Perry impression teaching audience participation games centered around the word “flogging” to a swathe of sun-baked tourists huddled into a literal medieval torture dungeon. The third red flag was the film itself. Despite its short runtime, Shrek 4-D was nothing but an assault of dated pop culture references (even for the ride’s early 2000s debut), uninspired visual gags, and what can only be described as thermonuclear dad puns, all “aided” by chairs that jostle the viewer repeatedly and continuously, while also spraying you with water and farts. As we were leaving the film, my father looked at me with a sense of shame and regret I had never truly seen in him before. Is it possible for a film, intended for the enjoyment of families and average Joes like you or I, to be so bad that it could make a father consider financially and emotionally disowning his first-born son? Check your lapbars, folks, because Wonder Park dares to claim that title and I’ve made a park of my own to prove it. Please, step into…
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