Nick Rieth, Zach Watson and Casey Picillo are telecommunications majors and write “Tangents” for the Daily News. Their views and opinions do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily News. Write to them at zhwatson@bsu.edu. Listen to their radio show from 7 to 8 p.m. Sundays on WCRD.
 |
|---|
 |
 |
There’s Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune—and not Pluto (though some of us are still bitter about that one). This week, the biggest of these celestial bodies gets its own special place in the Hollywood cosmos, as the Wachowski siblings have released their latest foray into the film world, “Jupiter Ascending.”
To sum up how we feel about this movie: while “Jupiter Ascending” shot for the far reaches of the solar system and beyond, unfortunately, it didn’t even leave the atmosphere.
Here’s the gist of “Jupiter Ascending:” Mila Kunis’ character is a seeming everywoman who scrubs toilets for a living. Channing Tatum’s character is an alien bounty hunter sent to protect her from other alien bounty hunters who are after Kunis because she is actually an intergalactic princess, soon to be caught in an intergalactic family squabble.
How could a multi-million dollar blockbuster starring Tatum, Kunis and Eddie Redmayne, directed by the creators of “The Matrix,” fail to fall among the stars? Easily. Turn Tatum into a wolf-man hybrid and reduce Kunis to a soap opera actress with the uncanny ability to be unconvincing in nearly everything that she says.
And that’s just the beginning. The Wachowskis decided to avoid boldly going where no one has gone before and instead rip visuals (supposedly the movie’s strong point) from every popular sci-fi flick out there.
While the CG fest itself is stunning and surely another step forward in the world of cinema special effects, the presentation felt ultimately uninspired. There are a lot of sequences that are pleasing to look at and visually entertaining, but they often ramble on and contain enough silly elements to distract the audience from the fact that the fate of the earth is at hand. Because who has time to think about the earth when Tatum is racing a laser-laced roller derby in the sky?
One could perhaps think of “Jupiter Ascending” as a knock-off version of Marvel’s recent hit “Guardians of the Galaxy.” Whereas “Guardians” appealed to audiences through its throwback vibe, cheeky sense of humor, splendid visuals and strong story and characters, “Jupiter Ascending” fails to approach its level of balanced entertainment and novelty, feeling more like a rehash of “The Matrix” or any other number of sci-fi scripts.
Where the most fault lies, however, is in the story itself. While we found no elements to be so terrible as to prompt a jettison from our captain’s seats, the story plodded along at times and was stripped of its humanity through the aforementioned stilted performances and overly long action sequences.
One of the flick’s less-than-stellar sequences has half-wolf Tatum air-surfing through fiery explosions and flying debris to save “damsel in distress” Kunis from certain death. He saves her and both are virtually unscathed. They don’t acknowledge their close call with death, and instead, kiss. Cardboard cutouts of Chris Pratt and Zoe Saldana would be more compelling than these two. Yawn.
Admittedly, there are several factors that keep this movie from crashing and burning upon launch. The performance by Redmayne stands out among the worlds of “Jupiter Ascending.” His despicably subtle acting brings a dark dimension to the film and to his repertoire that otherwise would not have been present. Sean Bean’s performance also bolsters the film, infusing some credibility into moments that might have otherwise made this movie a total disaster.
“Jupiter Ascending” is certainly not the worst film out there at the moment, but it’s not one that we would fly to see again anytime soon.
Our favorite scene from this movie involves a robot helping Kunis travel through a process laden with intergalactic bureaucracy. The process is so arduous it earned a chuckle from all three of us.
The technical term for this movie is “dud.” If your craving for wolf-man hybrid Tatum can’t be tamed, at least wait for “Jupiter Ascending” to make a landing at a less-expensive venue on your home planet.
Read More
Wielonski hits historic feat for Ball State in quarterfinals of MAC Tournament
By Daniel Kehn / 11 hours agoAfter her post-match interview, Megan Wielonski trotted across the court at the Stroh Center to booming cheers from a Wielonski family contingent of more than a dozen strong.
‘One percent better’: Through injury and other challenges, Ball State’s Ethan Brittain-Watts fights through the adversity
By Zach Carter / 23 hours agoIn his six years in college basketball, Ethan Brittain-Watts has fought against challenges to get to today.
Matt Gaetz withdraws as Trump’s pick for attorney general
By Staff Reports / YesterdayMatt Gaetz has withdrawn as President-elect Donald Trump’s pick for attorney general following scrutiny over a federal sex trafficking investigation, according to the Associated Press.
