Jordan Huffer is a junior photojournalism major and writes ‘Born in a Ball Jar’ for The Daily News. Her views do not necessarily agree with those of the newspaper or The Daily. Write to Jordan at jahuffer@bsu.edu.
As he lay in the hospital bed, I cried over him. I told him how he was my hero, that I wanted to be just like him. He told me how proud of me he was and how much he loved me. I stayed by his bed as long as I could. Once they had him down the hallway, I called out to him, telling him that I loved him and I'd see him in a few hours. He called back to me, "I love you. I'll see you soon."
Less than 24 hours later I held his hand as he was removed from Life Support. It was the end of the life of Ball State photographer John Huffer.
He was my dad, my friend, my mentor and colleague. It's been almost a year since we lost him, and while moving past his death has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do, I’ve managed to do it.
Death is one of those things that are totally unavoidable. In your lifetime you will lose someone very close to you, and it’s not an easy thing to do. Grief is a weird process with no real, set path. It is my hope that you can learn from my experience, so that you’ll be better equipped to deal with this when it happens.
F--K!!
Be it a prolonged illness or a sudden death, this will likely be your first thought. It was mine. No matter how much a person prepares for this kind of thing, it’s a different reality when it happens. All the emotions of what’s going on hit you at once, and you’re sad and you’re angry.
The day that my father died was a mess of emotions and weird stuff and snot, and I just wanted to yell and scream. I would recommend that. In fact, I feel like I didn’t do enough of it.
It’s OK to be a mess.
This one is important. Something horrible has happened, and it’s not going to be easy for a time. You need to let your emotions take you wherever they want to. Blocking it out and not allowing time to grieve will leave even more damage.
I tried to be strong for my mother and sister. I never cried in front of them, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t get messy.
My father and I were known for taking pictures together at sporting events, so those first few sporting events (and sometimes ones even today) were tough for me. I said to myself that if I could make it through the National Anthem without crying, I would be OK. And I was. Other times, I wasn’t so lucky and I was trying to shoot volleyball while crying. Not so successful.
The fact of the matter is that some athletes and members of athletic communications have seen me cry more times over all this than my sister has. And that’s OK. It can be weird and uncomfortable to be vulnerable around people, but that’s another thing that you have to welcome.
Mourning is messy and scary. But it’s necessary. So don’t stifle it.
Be patient.
This is true of both yourself and others. It will affect you for quite some time, so you may need to prioritize some things. Put some extracurriculars on hold, focus on your school work, relax, don’t push yourself. I took a semester off from the Daily News just to get myself together and give myself time, and I’m very glad I did that.
Also, be aware that people grieve differently. When my father died, my sister reacted differently than I did. She became very emotional about it, and is still very withdrawn with the loss. It is easier to laugh and reflect about our dad now, but I can tell that there is something missing from her normal self.
My mother’s different than either of us. She still thinks that he’s going to walk through the door after an extended trip photographing the football team. I know it’s very hard for her, even though she’s not necessarily showing it.
We all had different relationships with our father, and we are all handling tragedy in our own ways. So be patient with the ones left behind. They are hurting and healing just like you are, just in different ways.
Give thanks to those who who helped.
I heard it 100 times in the weeks after my dad's death: “Let us know if you need anything.” I didn’t really need anything from them and I never asked them for anything, but it was still nice to hear. It was nice to hear that people were thinking of me and that they understood that I wasn’t going to be myself for a while.
And there were people who truly helped, people whom I can’t thank enough for all they’ve done for me and my family. A big thanks to University Marketing and Communications, along with those in the President’s Office and Athletics Communications; they were understanding and supportive of me during this time, and I will always be grateful for that. A big thanks also to the university, and to Pam Robbins, Colleen Steffen and Stephen Williams, who all really helped me in the worst of it.
And I can’t thank my family at the Daily News enough for everything they’ve done for me. You guys are all my favorites.
It’s never going to feel “right,” and that’s OK.
This summer, while covering the State Fair, I spoke with a woman who lost her father five years ago. She spoke about him with tears in her eyes and still missed him horribly. This is the end point of grief. There’s no going back to normal. There is only a new normal: where you cry when you see that one commercial with the tiny paper cranes or a father-daughter fight scene in your favorite cartoon. It’s never not going to hurt. You just learn to live with the memories, in both joy and sorrow.
I’m always going to love and miss my dad. Every day that goes by, every picture I take, every moment that I wish I could talk to him — they still cause me pain. The pain will always be there, it just hurts less over time. And that’s all I could really hope for.
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