By Anna Ortiz
Thanksgiving; giving thanks. It’s not a difficult term to dissect.
However, the etymology of the day after remains a debated mystery. The name Black Friday can refer to a few things: the switch over from businesses making negative profits to positive or a term from police acknowledging the myriad of accidents that occur.
Or it could mean the color of your eye after you engage in a tug of war over a pair of half-off Hollister jeans — only $60, what a deal!
Even more mysterious is the thought process behind this annual consumer riot, though it is probably the only time one could classify Sears as “exciting.” Thanksgiving is about being thankful for everything you have. Afterward, it is only logical to burst into Best Buy at midnight and play shopping cart demolition derby, viciously brawling over material goods. It’s the kind of brutal display that would have the Discovery Channel camera crew on deck and Steve Irwin shouting “Crikey! What a take down!” in the appliance aisle.
What is even more of a mystery is the stone-cold conviction that parents have as they race down the aisles of Toys R Us. Since when did a kid have to have something so bad that it would warrant trampling? When I was 6, I needed to have a rocketship to go to Mars, naturally. Did I see my mom line up at NASA headquarters? No, because logical thinking says that children are compulsive, fickle, unrealistic and bad with money — think Wall Street circa 2008.
Truthfully, not all Black Friday shoppers think that once the Walmart doors have opened the Hunger Games are in effect. But if it is, go for the high ground.
But if you type into Google “Black Friday” followed by the keywords “death,” “stampede,” “injury” or “shooting” and you will agree with me that what some of these people need is a padded cell rather than a coupon book. Your life may depend on spotting these shoppers, so I will do my best to profile them.
First, are they wearing a sleeping bag as a cape? The sleeping bag most likely spent the night on the sidewalk in front of the store, which means you have a 5-foot radius of stench to caution you.
Second is the outfit. Sweats on top, sweats on bottom, fanny pack in the middle. A fanny pack may seem innocent at a glance, but it may as well be a shotgun bandoleer. Shoppers have been known to be armed with tasers and mace.
Watch for darty, swift movements. If their gait reminds you of a caffeinated ferret, stay out of their way. To them, a shopping cart is not a shopping cart, it is a battering ram. If there is one left of an item on the shelves and they are doing some freaky speed walk toward it, avert your eyes and turn away as if you have just encountered a rabid dog. Your extremities are not worth losing over the last iPod Touch.
Shoppers: I caution you. Normal traffic rules still apply on Black Friday and so do the laws of physics. Be prepared to lose faith in humanity.
