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BEYOND VARSITY: Campaign slogans for Ball State sports figures

So we've reached Election Day. While I will closely be paying attention to the results of today's midterms, I am much more concerned about the status of the coaches and players on the Ball State campus.

My mind wanders occasionally, and I started to wonder what would happen if people in the Ball State athletics department were put up for referendums. How would they campaign? What would their TV ads look like?

Well, I decided to do the work for them. I have written campaign commercials for several prominent Ball State figures in athletics. They probably won't need to use them, but just in case, they should keep these in their back pocket.

(And, of course, I'm just trying to have a little fun here, so let's not take this too seriously)

Athletic Director Tom Collins

"For too long, Ball State sports have been run by a group that appears to have no idea what they're doing. There have been countless mistakes and errors in judgment regarding the athletics department, and I won't stand for it anymore.

"That is why I am announcing that I will continue the search for the source of problems with the department. I know that we will hunt him or her down eventually and return Ball State to its glory days.

"I'm Tom Collins, and I approve this message — as long as President Gora is OK with it."

Women's volleyball coach Steve Shondell

Shondell's not the most outspoken person, so I think I would try to use a lot of graphics to play up his success.

Start with a shot of the number .340, which was the winning percentage of Shondell's predecessor, Dave Boos. Follow it up with .833, which is Shondell's record so far.

Then we need a voice-over.

"Steve Shondell's opponent bolted for greener pastures to be an assistant coach at Florida. But Steve is dedicated to the Muncie community and will take the women's volleyball team to the MAC Tournament, the NCAA Tournament and the White House to meet Barack Obama with the national title."

Now only if I could coerce Shondell to do his best Howard Dean impression.

Men's basketball coach Billy Taylor

"My opponents like to stress my 3-12 record after Feb. 23 of each season while I've been at Ball State. I'd rather focus on my 27-24 record before that point over the past two seasons. Besides, isn't winning in November important? The Cardinals have five wins in November since 2008 with me at the helm.

"Also, the Mid-American Conference media chose Ball State to win the MAC West this year. And if there's a group of people we all trust as much as politicians (or coaches), it's the media, right?

"I'm Billy Taylor, and I approve this message — at least through February."

Junior safety Sean Baker

Cue up a montage of Baker intercepting passes mixed in with a few of his big hits.

Then we go to the voice-over:

"Sean Baker is about to break the interception record for Ball State. He needs your support to make sure he's still the starter so he can make Cardinal history."

Throw in one more huge hit, then cut to Baker.

Baker: "If you don't want this to happen to you, vote for me."

Football coach Stan Parrish

"I know everyone is disappointed by a second-straight losing season, but I'd like to explain why you shouldn't give up on me yet.

"Has anyone stopped to consider that things are actually on the upswing? Assuming we beat Akron on Saturday – Ball State is a 13.5-point favorite – we'll have three wins this year.

"If we keep winning one more game than the previous year, we'll be in a bowl game by 2013. We'll have another undefeated season in 2019. I'll be a spry 73 years old then.

"So, come on, who's in such a hurry?

"I'm Stan Parrish, and I approve this message — and the AARP."

So, who would you vote for?

 


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