Dear Flu,
So, you're back.
No, it's not that I'm surprised. I mean, I knew you were around - it was only a matter of time before you tried to hook up. I'm telling you now - I'm not having any of it. You try year after year, I say "No," and you only try harder after that.
Two weeks ago you got with my roommate and quickly ran off with no regret. This weekend you snuck back in to get the other roommate and worked your magic there, too.
I will not fall victim to this match of divide and conquer.
It's not just the roommates - you're all over campus. You're the topic of conversation in meetings, classes and bars.
You're trying to hunt me down. I know you've been talking. I don't want it.
You think you can handle this?
Bring it, bitch.
We're playing the most invigorating game of campus-wide hide and seek. I'm a refugee seeking shelter from your repugnant ways, looking anywhere for a place desert of human activity. Perhaps I'll try the L.A. Pittenger Student Center.
Back at home I've got the Lysol, the hand sanitizer and the anti-bacterial soap - we're at war here. I'll take no chances, and invest in no risks.
I know how you operate. You work through my friends to get to me. You'll cling to them and not let go, entrenching your routine in the bowels of their daily lives. I'll be convinced everything's OK, thinking nothing more of the situation and let my guard down too soon.
Only then will you score.
You'll want to keep me in bed for days. You'll work at me until I'm red in the face, nauseated and too stiff to move. And just when I think we're at the climax, you'll want to keep going for another three days. All of this just to leave me physically and emotionally exhausted.
That really doesn't do it for me.
Afterward you'll work me like you did my roommates, using my circle of friends as your next base of prey. From one, to three, to 10 - before I know it you'll be the sole subject of my friends' online status messages. You'll be all over my Facebook News Feed like the viral creep you are.
Not even the strongest medications can make me forget your miserable existence.
Your perversion of health is disturbing. Your wasteful lifestyle is too much for me. Class doesn't matter to you - you'll demand I skip as much as possible. Combined with the forces of the Internet, you bring unparalleled potential for irresponsibility and downtime. The intrusion on our lives is unwelcomed and irritating.
The influence you have on people is repulsive. You mold their lives to reflect your own, leaving little space for individuality. You infect their character to resemble the cranky and sick-tempered spirit that radiates from your existence. You are whiny, needy and an attention whore.
So carry on if you must, but leave me alone.
Yours in health,
Dave
P.S. The Center for Disease Control and Prevention is on to you. You might want to get that checked out.
Write to Dave at heydave@bewilderedsociety.com
Read More
Three Air Jam teams take home the win
October 12, 2012Nineteen teams shimmied, shook and flipped for a sold out John R. Emens Auditorium on Thursday night during the 25th annual Air Jam.
Bill Clinton Speaks at North Central High School
October 12, 2012Former President's Speech Could Have Effect on State Senate Race
