For those of you who have always dreamt of touring the holy lands of the Middle East but were too reluctant to leave good old-fashioned American T&A behind, there's good news. It was announced this week that Hooters, America's favorite slightly amoral restaurant, will be opening its first chain in Tel Aviv, Israel, this summer.
Tel Aviv, which lies on the Mediterranean, is renowned for its beaches, hotels and shopping centers and is often referred to as the most cosmopolitan city in Israel. But calling Tel Aviv the most cosmopolitan city in Israel is like calling downtown Billings the economic heart of Montana. Because even though Tel Aviv may have a moderately thriving business district, due to its status and location, it is still a prime target for many terrorist attacks that go on in that part of the world.
In past years, the Tel Aviv shopping mall has been a target mainly because of its roots in Western capitalist ideology. And now they want to set up a Hooters there? Hooters is even more deeply grounded in American dogma than shopping malls. Hooters combines three of America's most coveted commodities - grease-drenched food, beer and short-shorts - and combines them in such a way as to create a "delightfully tacky, yet unrefined" dining experience.
If certain militant groups are violently opposed to the introduction of Western thought into the Middle East, than a Hooters is the last thing we should be establishing - they might as well just put a drop box at the front of the restaurant reading "Place Bombs Here." Girls in orange spandex? Let's start with girls in orange Kevlar.
As Americans, we have to realize that we are inherently imperialistic. But this is the new millennium, and we can't do things the way we did when McKinley was president. We can't show up at a place like Guam with a bunch of battleships and say, "Hey, this is ours now." Military muscle is out; venture entrepreneurship is in.
America can't spread influence and power using soldiers and tanks anymore; there are sanctions against that. So we've resorted to using the guise of international corporations. Now we're going into a war-torn part of the world armed only with substandard chicken wings and saying, "Hey, we're going to set up shop here."
The main problem with this is it doesn't seem as if the major corporations are listening to the basic economic principle of giving the customer what they want. Restaurants like Dunkin' Donuts and Kentucky Fried Chicken have already tried the Israeli market and failed. They just didn't have a market.
What makes Hooters think they can go in there with overpriced hamburgers and succeed? Instead of building something that seems intrinsically doomed, like a Tel Aviv Hooters, why not build something that seems a little practical and spread American influence that way? Why not an Old Country Buffet in Ethiopia? How about a North Face coat outlet in Siberia? Maybe a Texas Roadhouse in Juarez, Mexico?
The point is that in order to be successful in business, you have to cater to your clientele, and I don't think that in Israel the 5 Wing Flappetizer will fly - it's not exactly kosher.
So here's my suggestion: Take the money they were going to pump into the Tel Aviv Hooters and put one right here in Muncie. Our town is demographically perfect for a Hooters. Muncie is filled with enough dirty old men, sexually frustrated college guys and desperate girls willing to flaunt themselves to really give a restaurant that authentic Hooters atmosphere.
And the best part? No bombings.
Write to Paul atpjmetz@bsu.edu
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