Even though Ball State University student Alyssa Couch died in November, her life-long best friend still writes messages on her Facebook profile.
"I miss making picture frames, scrapbooking and setting the timer on our cameras so EVERYONE can be in the picture," junior Stephanie Marks wrote on Feb. 26. "I miss playing T-ball, softball, basketball and volleyball with you. I miss Thanksgiving dinners with you. I miss being 'old' with you."
Marks met Couch playing T-ball the summer before kindergarten in their hometown of Selma. She still looks at and writes on Couch's MySpace and Facebook profiles, she said, because it is what she would do if Couch were still alive.
"Not everything has to change just because she's gone," Marks said. "I guess I feel like I can still communicate with her."
Students also used Facebook to mourn for Ball State freshman Travis Smith, who died in a car crash in January. Three groups have been created in memory of Smith, and although his Facebook profile has been removed, friends wrote more than 150 messages on it in the month after his death.
College students are turning to the Internet's networking sites such as Facebook and MySpace to grieve and create memorials for friends who have died.
BENEFITS
Holly Peck, another friend of Couch's since kindergarten, said posting on Couch's profile helps her release her feelings. Writing on a Facebook profile is better than praying, Peck said, because she feels that she is connecting with her friend instead of talking to God.
"I kind of felt like it was the most direct way that I could communicate my thoughts and feelings to her," Peck said.
Marks said writing on a Facebook or MySpace profile is a way to gain closure.
"It can be your final goodbye instead of having to do it all under pressure at the funeral," she said.
Doug Southern, a doctoral intern at the Ball State Counseling Center, said some students do not want to talk about death with friends because it is a sad topic that causes pain. Networking sites, however, allow students to show their hurt and loss, he said.
Most of the posts on profiles of students who have died read like letters to that person.
Southern encourages people who are grieving to write letters similar to these profile posts, he said.
"There are a lot of things that get left unsaid and that provides a way to feel that completion," Southern said. "It's a slow process to come to grips with, and writing about it can be incredibly beneficial."
The profiles can create a timeline of the person's life that can help friends and family put things into perspective, he said.
"We learn to look at their whole life," Southern said. "Immediately after the loss it's easy to focus only on the loss and most recent times."
Marks said it took her a long time before she could remember the good times with Couch, but the profiles help her do that.
"It's a good memorial I think because it's her - she did that," Marks said. "You can look back and read her quotes and just imagine her saying that."
DRAWBACKS
A negative effect of this trend could occur if friends or family members read comments that change or challenge their view of their lost loved one, Southern said.
Marks, on the other hand, said she finds the comments other people write about Couch comforting because it shows how many people cared about her. Although she feels she knew Couch very well, Marks said she still discovers new things from her friend's profile.
Peck said she reads most of the comments on Couch's profile, too.
"It kind of makes me feel that I want to talk to those people about her because we have that same common feeling of loss," Peck said. "I feel like it would help the healing process a little bit more."
Southern said another downside of using networking sites to grieve is that students think the Internet is more private than it really is. Therefore, students have the tendency to share more online than they would in person, he said,
Marks said she hasn't seen a problem with this on Couch's profile though.
"I haven't read anything that's just like anyone pouring their hearts out," she said. "I haven't read anything that would embarrass anybody."
Marks thinks students are aware of the possible repercussions when they write on a friend's profile, she said.
CONTROVERSY
Facebook and MySpace officials said they are supportive of members using profiles to grieve for loved ones.
"This is why it is our policy to, once a member is reported to us as deceased, leave the profile up for thirty days and then remove it after that time," a Facebook spokesperson wrote in an e-mail.
MySpace, on the other hand, deals with members' deaths on a case-by-case basis.
"We often hear from families that a user's profile is a way for friends to celebrate the person's life, giving friends a positive outlet to connect with one another and find comfort during the grieving process," a MySpace spokesperson wrote in an e-mail.
"Additionally, MySpace never deletes a profile for inactivity, however, if a family requests that a profile be removed, we will honor their request and remove the profile in question," the MySpace spokesperson wrote.
Southern said Facebook officials are cutting the grieving process short by taking down the profiles so soon.
"One of the difficult things as a society is we tend to look at their being an end to that process," he said. "The reality is that for those left behind that loss is something they deal with for a long time."
Couch's friends said her Facebook profile remains up because family members or close friends have been updating it, and Facebook officials are not aware Couch died.
Peck said she would be upset if Facebook officials took down Couch's profile. Taking it down is almost like saying Couch didn't exist, she said.
"[The profile] helps because you never know when you're going to have a really bad feeling of loss," Peck said. "For me the grieving process is still going. I never know when the bad feelings are going to hit, and if I don't have pictures available, I can easily get online and look at them."
Marks said her friend had already been taken away from her, so she hoped Facebook doesn't take away her friend's profile too.
"I hope they don't find out that she's dead so they take it away," Marks said. "It just seems like it's a way for her to still be here. Is it hurting them for that to be there?"
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