For those of you keeping score at home, the 2006-2007 NBA season has now officially entered "stuff my face with Haagen-Dazs while I watch tapes of the '80s Lakers and Celtics rivalry" territory. Yes, it's that depressing.
What's even more depressing is that there's no good basketball to make up for the lack of usually entertaining, quality, and semi-thuggish hoops product the NBA puts on the court (or, in court) on a nightly basis.
Friends always try to con me into joining the dark side (college basketball), but if I wanted to watch poor half-court offense, missed wide-open 15-footers and a plethora of layups, I'd watch the WNBA.
And you know how I feel about the WNBA. Let's put it this way: I know it seems like I'm breaking my own Spectrum of Exaggeration, but I'd rather masturbate with a handful of angry bees than ever watch the WNBA again. No, really. Scout's honor.
Side note: Just so you know, I experienced a WNBA game because I had received free tickets and was curious. Here's a quick synopsis: Imagine that Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi threw a huge party, and instead of inviting a bunch of attractive females, they accidentally RSVP'd every rugged, biker-looking woman in the nation. Also, at this party, 10 women are dressed like basketball players and running wind sprints in front of a dozen people.
I know, the NBA probably has roughly eight or nine fans left who follow it as close as I do, but bear with me here. This season has been the perfect storm of ugliness, like if Michael Jackson and Britney Spears circa 2004 decided to have a child.
There's no one real reason, so let's break down why the NBA season has been a complete disaster so far.
INJURIES: Chris Paul, Michael Redd, Shaquille O'Neal, Dwayne Wade, Nenad Kristic, Yao Ming, Tracy McGrady, Peja Stojakovic, David West, Paul Pierce, Kenyon Martin, Jason Richardson, Bobby Simmons, Steve Francis and Rashard Lewis are just a few of the players who have been or are currently out for a significant period of time due to an injury. I created a song to remember all of the names, like the United States song, but quit after trying to find a rhyme for "Stojakovic."
NEW BALL: The first two months of the season were practically one big exhibition since Commissioner David Stern introduced a new ball, then later retracted it and brought back the old one when Shaq spoke out against it and threatened to eat Stern.
CHEMISTRY: I don't think I can remember a time when so many teams were completely "made over." The Pacers, for instance, have eight new faces on their team. It takes time to adjust to all of these new players, so it's just been sloppy basketball in pretty much 99 percent of the games this season so far. I'm tickled to death to see the remainder of the season.
OFFICIATING: Back in the '90s, Michael Jordan practically got every call in his favor. It was annoying to no end, so you could imagine my giddiness when he retired. Now, unfortunately, we have two players like that in the league, with a third one gaining that status. LeBron James, Dwayne Wade and, very shortly, Carmelo Anthony will all have gained "Jordan Status," meaning they get a few extra steps in their drive, defenders can't be within three feet of them or a foul is called and they're able to hack a wrist or two when defending.
If this season gets any worse, I may have to get my basketball fix elsewhere, and unless there's a top-25 college team playing or it's a rivalry game, that could be very difficult. Ugh, where's my Haagen-Dazs?
Write to Ryan at bsujsmith@gmail.com
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