I was a huge professional wrestling fan back in the day, specifically in eighth and ninth grade (when the nWo, D-X, Sting, DDP and The Rock were in their prime). However, I'm not going to sit here and lie - I still check up on it every once in a while to see what certain story lines are taking place and who has what title.
Professional wrestling has always been like a bad ex-girlfriend in high school: She randomly shows up and you like her but don't know why. It's hot and heavy at first, then something starts sucking and you split up for a month or two. Then you find something cool and interesting about her again, baby steps are taken in regards to starting another relationship because you're afraid you won't have time for her, it's hot and heavy again, then her friend comes along and steals you away.
But for some reason, I'm always drawn back in a little bit because of all the theatrics. Entrance music, pyrotechnics, bad guys and weapons draw me in. Call it a fake redneck sport, but it's just like any other show - I watch it to turn off my brain for a while while I'm sucked into a world of over-the-top personalities and farfetched story lines.
There is never a dull or uninteresting moment.
Although being so bored the other day that I almost watched poker on TV, I thought of how sweet it would be if life were like professional wrestling for just one day. I know this sounds ridiculous and nerdy, but like always, hear me out.
First off, how awesome would it be to have your own entrance music that plays at inappropriate times, as well as times when you have to make a grand appearance but arriving late just doesn't do? You'd be lying if you said you didn't want "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC or "Like A Boss" by Slim Thug echoing throughout your house every time you entered a room.
What better way to announce your presence when meeting up with friends at the bar? Lights dim, "Back In Black" starts blaring through the speakers as pyrotechnics shoot out from the sides of the door. Gives me goose bumps just thinking about it.
Secondly, I know this may sound a little violent, but it would come in handy to hit people with chairs and trash cans without any repercussions, leaving them unconscious for 10 minutes. I can't think of a better place this would come in handy than when a guy is trying to pick up a girl at a bar, but her overweight, overbearing friend intervenes and suggests that they should head home and watch a movie instead of her heading back to his place.
Normally, the wing man steps in and takes one for the team by hitting on the overweight friend. Now he doesn't have to, because he can just pick up whatever item is convenient and give his friend 10 minutes of alone time.
Last but not least, I don't think people are recognized enough for their accomplishments. Well, at least not publicly. This isn't a problem in the professional wrestling world, as athletes wear belts around their waist to signify status.
Let's use a newspaper as our example. The editor-in-chief would be the Heavyweight Champion, and what better way to recognize who that is than a big and gaudy belt wrapped around his or her waist? Let me know if anyone comes up with something better, because I can't think of any other solutions.
It probably still sounds completely absurd, but at least one of those ideas would appeal to just about anyone for a day. If not, there's always playing the role of a bad guy, having an attractive valet escort you places and your own catchphrases and mannerisms to fall back on.
Write to Ryan at bsurjsmith@gmail.com
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