It's the most wonderful time of the year. Again. As the holiday shopping season approaches, I cannot help but prepare to bolt my doors and windows, turn off all the lights and hibernate through the winter.
I know what you are probably thinking: "Sheesh, Ebenezer, why don't you just steal Christmas from all the Whos in Whoville?"
I have a simple answer: It is certainly not the Whos in Whoville who mill around the mall like arbitrary herds of mentally impaired wildebeasts and prevent me from completing my Christmas shopping in a "timely fashion," which, in this particular instance means "before Valentine's Day."
Every year my female relatives ? Granny, Mom, Aunt Stacey, and my little sister Alaina ? take a shopping trip during which we anticipate spreading good tidings and cheer to our loved ones. In order to do this, we are required, as members of a capitalist society, to spend obscene amounts of money and go completely out of our disgruntled-consumer minds. The shopping trip was magical my first couple of years.
I was finally free to purchase things in a mall rather than "Santa's Secret Shop," a school-sponsored Christmas shopping fundraiser in elementary school that had very little selection, especially for that hard-to-buy-for relative, such as my Grandpa Dale. Needless to say, "Santa's Secret Shop" didn't have the best selection of Tom Clancy novels, which is the only thing Grandpa Dale ever gets for Christmas. I'll bet his neighbors think he is in some sort of obscure crime ring in which illegally imported diamonds are hidden inside boxes disguised as political techno-thrillers.
The mall, along with having many establishments in which one may purchase Tom Clancy novels, also contains several people. If you are thinking of going to a mall around Christmas time, think better of it and lead a revolution in your family to celebrate the holidays in April.
Most of us would find this sort of idea utterly absurd, so go to the mall if you must. Just don't go with my mother.
My mother refers to herself as an "aggressive shopper." I agree, if by "aggressive" she means "insane."
Perhaps you know people like this. They speed walk around the mall, quickly darting between strollers, cutting off other shoppers who aren't moving fast enough, flipping other shoppers the bird, etc. Mom has been like this for as long as my sister and I can remember, and, though we've been swearing up and down since the beginning of time that we would never be like our mother, we power walk circles around our shopping companions.
Not only is Mom an "aggressive" shopper, she is also an "aggressive" consumer. I remember once before the prom she took me to buy some shoes because she thought my white Velcro shoes to be unsuitable for a formal dance. When I found a pair that I liked AND she approved of (a rarity in itself), they didn't have my size.
Mom, instead of calmly and rationally telling me to pick a different pair of shoes, brought the saleswoman to tears because it was obviously her fault that the store did not have any freakishly large prom shoes in stock.-รก
This holiday season, be aware of these "aggressive" members of society and be safe.
I'm going to go with the heavy-duty bolts.
Write to Aleshia at aahaselden@bsu.edu
Read More
Three Air Jam teams take home the win
October 12, 2012Nineteen teams shimmied, shook and flipped for a sold out John R. Emens Auditorium on Thursday night during the 25th annual Air Jam.
Bill Clinton Speaks at North Central High School
October 12, 2012Former President's Speech Could Have Effect on State Senate Race
