"Christmas is here," sayeth The Retail.
Never mind that Thanksgiving isn't officially here yet, or thatpeople generally prefer their holidays in chronological order.
Disregard Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is boring. The Retail knowsthis. That's why your regularly scheduled holiday will not be seenin stores.
The Retail has pre-empted Thanksgiving with Christmas --again.
The Retail has reunited all of your favorite characters. Thetrees, ornaments, stockings, bows, candy canes, lights, stockings,plastic reindeer and right jolly old elves are all here early.
You see, in the grand scheme of unbridled commercial madness,The Retail doesn't give a good healthy squat about Thanksgiving.Thus, you can buy plastic reindeer in early November.
"Screw Thanksgiving. Christmas is more marketable," The Retailsays. "Obey me."
You might actually want Thanksgiving dinner before obeying TheRetail. This does not matter. The Retail is used to objection andtalented at pretty persuasion.
"Do not concern yourself with such feeble holidays," The Retailsays, turning to you. "The sales have started. You're alreadybehind. You'll never finish shopping if you don't start now.
"Get the keys. Don't make a list; there isn't time. Fly, youfool!"
The Retail is a deceptive beast with a gilded tongue, ready toweave the lies:
"Do not fear a negative shopping experience. Traffic will beperfect. There will be ample parking. The cashiers will be cheerfuland eager to serve you. They always are.
"Other shoppers will be polite and stay out of your way. Thestock clerks will be everywhere, ready to help -- but only ifasked. Why would they bother you?
"The woman in front of you will not grab the last Furbee,Cabbage Patch Kid, Tickle Me Elmo or shotgun. You'll get the lastone. You always do.
"A shopping cart will not crash into your ankles. A child twoaisles over will not scream as though stabbed by bayonets. Yourcredit card will work fine.
"If the store catches on fire, you'll be able to finish shoppingbefore they evacuate," The Retail assures you.
"These irrational fears are unbecoming of you. Stopworrying."
You cannot resist the wiles of The Retail, so you gatheryourself and head into the fray, fooled again by the dross words ofa mountebank.
When you enter the store and meet the truth, a man dressed asSanta will laugh his fat, mucous-lined laugh at your folly. Heknows you believed The Retail.
You might be a positive person, always looking for silverlinings, smiling like a soccer mom on Xanax. You might even likeChristmas.
The Retail cares not about your feelings -- just money. TheRetail is your enemy, spouting lies and dooming you to anotherseason of holiday misery.
The only way to overcome The Retail is not to listen. Don't buyanything yet. When Christmas pre-empts Thanksgiving, The Retailmust be stopped.
Consider a holiday season without The Retail encroaching uponThanksgiving. Consider the possible peace on Earth if Christmassimply stayed in December, where it belongs.
Families would gather and enjoy a holiday -- twice. Indeed,Christmas and Thanksgiving would be separate, significant holidaysagain.
"Christ on a Popsicle stick," The Retail would cry infrustration at the departed shoppers. "Doesn't anyone havereverence anymore?"
At those words, we should remember to whom we are reverent thisseason.
Write to John kingseyeland@bsu.edu
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