Normally I don't care about romance. The Girlfriend will attest to this.
However, when I attempted to comprehend the sheer amount of online matchmaking sites, I ended up intimidated and scared. In fact, I needed to be held.
Match.com, Kiss.com, Udate.com, Yahoo! Personals -- the list is huge, and the Web sites are brimming with singles of all ages and sizes.
Personal ads are like train wrecks, really. I don't want to look, but I can't help but stare. But don't think I'm unfaithful; I obtained the blessing of The Girlfriend before I began my research.
People create personal ads for many reasons, including loneliness, desperation, frustration with "the bar scene," or the occasional "frustration with my marriage."
The motivations I don't mind as much as the content, which can be disturbing. Meeting people through the personals is always risky, but some are obvious liars.
I'm the caring type. I'd like to offer advice to those liars out there.
Geeks: If you are a geek, say so. You can't hide your affinity for "Space: 1999" forever, so confess. Embrace your inner geek. You are a unique snowflake.
Religious people: Do not attempt to hide your relationship with the Lord. The Lord knows you are lying. You know you are lying. And guess what: Satan knows you are lying.
Smokers: If you smoke like a chimney, do not check the box marked "smokes sometimes." By "sometimes," they don't mean every five minutes.
Drinkers: Fess up. Do not check "one or two." Pretend you're not being arrested for a second and just admit that you're a lush.
Skinny people: If you're scrawny, do not check "athletic" unless you're an athlete. When they invent a sport for 90-pound grown men, the 90-pound men can check "athletic."
Fat people: If you're overweight, do not check the "average" box to describe your frame unless everyone you know is fatter than you -- which, I'll concede, could blow the curve.
(Realistically, if you include a picture, you'll eliminate all doubt. People can sort of tell if you eat entire herds of cattle for breakfast, or if you become invisible when you turn sideways.)
Visual aids: Photos are vital -- choose wisely. Glamour shots make you look like a drag queen. Shots of you leaning on a Trans-Am could be interpreted to mean you live out of your car.
Exercise/health nuts: Running 45 miles a day is admirable, but don't expect anyone to respond if you want people to "keep up with this lifestyle." Also, do not proclaim, "You can't handle this." You can't just assume that people want to handle you.
Parents: If you have children, talk about them. Do not attempt to hide them. You'll eventually have to mention them, perhaps while breast-feeding.
Writers: If you cannot spell or obey basic grammar rules, you might not be a moron -- but you will look like one. Contact the grammar police and have someone proofread your ad.
(Also, avoid cliches such as "Knight in shining armor," "Princess seeks Prince Charming," and the oddly popular "Cowboy/cowgirl seeks cowgirl/cowboy." Who are all these cowpeople?)
Honesty is key when starting and maintaining any healthy relationship. If you create a personal ad, tell the truth. You just might meet a fellow honest person.
What's more, you won't have to explain yourself to the Lord.
Write to John at kingseyeland@bsu.edu
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