I do not love the '80s.
I do have a fondness for the '80s the same way I have a fondness for the street I grew up on. I am bonded to that decade because I lived then, not because it was a good decade. On my body, the '80s are less of a beauty mark and more of a scar.
The '80s were not a good decade. The clothes were bad. The music was uninspired. The films (save for a few gems) were poorly made and impossible to take seriously. I am sorry, the kitsch factor does not change the fact that the '80s did, in fact, undeniably suck.
VH1 wants us to believe differently.
Somewhere between my adolescence and now, VH1 went from playing adult contemporary music videos to documenting our more immediate cultural past. Either it is a "Behind the Music" episode detailing exactly how important Milli Vanilli is to God's plan for humanity, or it is an "I Love the '80s (insert year)" that tells you what you remember about "the best time of your life!"
The chances of VH1 running a "Behind the Music" or "I Love the '80s" show are about the same chances of gray skies in Muncie.
It isn't bad enough that VH1 is bombarding us with their memories of the decade, but the chosen messengers for the unholy task are as sacrilegious as the act itself. Do they find the important players of the decade to comment upon it importance? Do they bring us Nancy Reagan, Oliver North and John Hughes? No! They give us unimportant players from the 1990s, such as Mark McGrath and Donal Logue.
Mark McGrath and Donal Logue aren't important enough to warrant posthumous gravestones, let alone the honor of recording 1980s history.
History is written by the winners and the mass media have won. They are writing our history for us. Americans are obsessed with lists. Everyone always wants to know the "Top 100 Movies" or "Top Five Side 1, Track 1s". By giving into our indulgences on VH1 (and we've all done it) we are making them the authority on what happened.
VH1 and their history of your culture are distorting our perception of the past. Please, for the love of everything no longer sacred, consider the consequences of this.
I say we turn off VH1 and stop loving the '80s. Let's not buy into the revivals of He-Man and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Turn off that '80s music station and go see a local band play at the Speakeasy. And if that local band plays an '80s cover, throw your drink at them and yell, "Bogus, man!"
Start living in the now. And when you're watching "The Reagans" on Showtime and you think back fondly of what it was like back then, don't let Michael Ian Black's memories infringe on yours. Think back not to the clothes and the music, but to the family vacation you went on or the summer you learned to ride a bike.
Besides, what is the point of all of this until they get to "I Love the '90s"? I can't wait to hear what Sean Paul Walker and Bubba Sparxxx have to say about that!
Write the Mouse at bbmcshane@bsu.edu
visit www.classicalgeektheatre.com
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