After hearing of the Web site www.partybsu.com, I visited with half-hearted interest, mainly just hoping to find incriminating (naked) pictures of people I know.
Alas, I found none.
Disappointed, I learned to love again when I found images of party people in various hizzouses. People were even waving their hands in the air as though they just didn't care.
Pictured rocking away the Muncie nights, these people made our town appear legendary, sort of like old Van Halen.
With this Web site, these gatherings and their patrons can display personal coolness during two semesters of college (or twelve, whichever). Thus, I am thankful.
But as I looked, I noticed something in the bloodshot eyes, half-open and staring. I detected longing -- a yearning for more.
I've seen that look before, in the all-too familiar, dank basements of Muncie. I've been in college for eight years -- I know that cry for help.
The visionaries behind the site can't do everything, so I'll address those pictured.
Local deviants, despite your cunning ability to find parties using limited information such as, "The white house on Carson Street," you should consider these suggestions:
Soundtracks are crucial. -- While looking at photos, I envisioned a party set to the music of Night Ranger or Mr. Mister. Reach for the 1980s and feel that Reagan-era thunder.
Appearance is more crucial. -- Bloodshot eyes are not sexy. Also, do not expose farmer's tans. Plumber's cracks are optional. Sadly, nothing can be done for guests with mullets.
Stop yelling "Woo!" -- A camera will not capture "Woo!" no matter how loud people yell. Instead, try yelling "Cops!" ("Fire" is a nice substitute, too.)
Vary pictures. -- If the same people are in all of your photos, you will imply that those people were the only ones who showed up. Hint: Invite strangers.
Anonymity is key. -- Parties are fine, so long as no one mentions even a remote affiliation with greek organizations or the greater campus area. Neither the greek community nor the campus area foster any kind of drinking environment, ever. How dare you even suggest.
Caveat: If the DAILY NEWS acknowledges the existence of partying, feel free to accuse the paper of hedonism. Remember, blaming the media is far easier than assuming responsibility.
Wear lampshades. -- Perhaps it's a sign of a bygone era, but I didn't see anyone wearing a lampshade as a hat. Also, issue sombreros to guests -- and wear bath towels as capes.
Standing is boring. -- Remember the words of Young MC: Don't just stand there; bust a move. That is, unless you cannot dance. In that case, please move away from the dance floor.
Think air-guitar. -- For those who do not dance, you are hereby assigned the role of "Air-guitar Person." There's just not enough air-guitar anymore. Rock out with thy bad self.
Beer contains Mr. Carbohydrate. -- Not to be judgmental, but Dr. Atkins would have a panic attack at these parties. A beer gut is a difficult adversary. Trust me, as I have fought one for many moons.
Spice things up. -- Are people getting bored? Attempt a rousing sing-along. Traditional tunes such as "Row, row, row your boat," "Camptown Ladies," or "Hot For Teacher" will get people jumping.
Feel free to contact me with specific party problems. Now go forth, deviants, and let the sweet, sweet healing begin.
Write to John at kingseyeland@bsu.edu
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