"Dad, what's genital herpes?"
"Watch the game, son."
Yes, as the baseball playoffs continue, the conversations inAmerica's living rooms are not just about our national pastime, butalso concern a venereal disease that has no cure.
Judging from the vast amount of commercial time devoted toValtrex, the drug designed to suppress genital herpes (but not cureit -- sorry), baseball fans must be talking.
But those conversations aren't just about genital herpes.
Not with the regular appearance of Texas Rangers slugger RafaelPalmiero, who "comes through in the clutch" thanks to Viagra,Pfizer's key to the bountiful erection. (Incidentally, despitePalmiero's "clutch" ability, the Rangers finished dead last.)
"Dad, what's an erection?"
"Watch the game, son."
About every other inning a commercial airs pitching eitherViagra or Valtrex. The two drugs are comfortably public, yet theirconsumers are mostly anonymous.
Let's look at the logic of commercial television, pretending asthough logic exists:
Between innings, should American fathers and sons sit in frontof televisions and talk about herpes and flaccid penises instead ofthe game? What good is father-son time otherwise?
Lest we be viewed as sexist, we should remember that women dowatch baseball. Mothers no doubt get the same questions fromcurious daughters.
Women understand the effects of erectile dysfunction -- andwomen can get genital herpes. These things are not likely in mindduring a ball game -- that is, until now.
Overall, the statistics are staggering: "Experts estimate about60 million Americans have the herpes virus that causes the genitalform of herpes, and the CDC estimates that approximately 1 millionpeople are infected each year," according to Valtrex.com.
Nielsen estimates approximately 105.5 million televisionhouseholds exist in the United States, and with five playoff gamesranking in the Top 10 from Sept. 29-Oct. 5, that's nearly 28.5million viewers.
Somewhere in there, someone has herpes.
Of course, after giving America visions of genital herpes,shifting the topic to erectile dysfunction is perfectlynatural.
"I take Viagra. Let's just say it works for me," Palmiero saysstiffly.
"What's he mean, Dad?"
Roughly 30 million men have some form of erectile dysfunction,according to Viagra.com. If 28.5 million people are watchingbaseball, there must be one flaccid penis. We must root it out!
Yes, somewhere, a baseball fan cannot get an erection -- nomatter how many times the songs of Queen, The Village People orGary Glitter play over the stadium loudspeakers.
(Maybe thinking about baseball too much is the real problem, butI digress.)
Informing the public about herpes treatment is essential topromoting public health. Getting the word out about treatment forerectile dysfunction is essential to alleviating public tension andincreasing the overall afterglow.
But are these commercials necessary during a prime-time baseballgame, when America's youth could be watching? Where's thediscretion?
Fans want to watch baseball and not think about venereal diseaseand impotence. Where are the commercials for Big League Chew (itstill exists), or the public service announcements for staying inschool or off drugs? There aren't any.
Apparently that's not what baseball -- or television -- standsfor.
So meanwhile, everyone gets to see what amounts to this:
"Hey, fans! Are you feeling bumpy and limp? Well, have we got adeal for you!"
Baseball, erections and herpes -- hooray for America.
Write to John at kingseyeland@bsu.edu
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