Summer is just around the corner, which can only mean one thing:
The romping and frolicking on the quad of many individuals clothed in outfits that would suggest they had not done laundry since the beginning of last semester and had to construct garments out of beverage condensation-absorbing napkins from Applebee's.
Of course, you, personally, are likely not one of these individuals. The sight of these individuals probably sends you into an uncontrollable stupor. The reason, whether you choose to admit it, is that they are somehow magically tan and thin even after a winter in which everyone in the state of Indiana went weeks at a time without seeing human flesh beneath layers upon layers of some puffy cotton by-product that makes everyone look like the Michelin man.
For example, I recently went home for a weekend on the day before my little sister, Alaina, would be leaving for Gulf Shores for spring break.-á
Alaina is a 17-year-old high school junior with a maintenance level similar to that of the Hope Diamond. The difference is that the Hope Diamond has a lower metabolism.
Alaina is my only sibling, and for the first 15 years of her life we shared a bathroom. Two years ago, I vacated the premises to come to Ball State where I would share a bathroom with 63 other women.
When I returned home it looked, in terms of personal hygiene and beauty products, that Alaina had been sharing a bathroom with not only 63 other women but perhaps everyone who attended the Academy Awards and an alien civilization that subsides only on products containing aloe.
But this was nothing new. The difference between this visit home and any other one was that I did not recognize my sister and thought that she had somehow been replaced by a human version of Biracial Coppertone Barbie.
She would be leaving the very next day to go to Gulf Shores. I do not know the location of Gulf Shores -- call me geographically unaware if you must -- but the name does not scream "Yukon Territory."
One would think that rather than spending the time and money to tan in Michigan she would just tan in Gulf Shores like a normal tourist.
As if that weren't enough, not only has she spent countless minutes in the tanning bed to make her skin darker, but she also had her hair highlighted.
I know she is not the only one who does these things, but I have to wonder if the excess UV rays in the summertime affect people's brains in such a way that they have uncontrollable urges (to the benefit of the beauty industry) to become photo negatives of their normal selves.
But, that theory aside, there is still a need for an explanation as to the "no shirt, no shoes, no problem" attitude that surrounds Ball State's campus on days that are above sixty degrees.
And it is an explanation that I cannot readily provide without proper research; however, I am too afraid to go outside for fear of being speared and carried back to the tribal village on a spit.
I apologize to you, the clothed public, for shirking my responsibilities to you, especially in this time of catastrophe.
To the rest of you, I hear they have bigger napkins at Scotty's.
Write to Aleshia at
aahaselden@bsu.edu
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