My towering roommate, Quinn Ligget, who measures 6'3" and is more than burly with a curly goatee and a surplus of purple muscle T-shirts, obviously looks like a "Quinn." There is absolutely no better way to describe that guy with those characteristics. Believe me, I've tried. I once attempted calling him by different names all day long. "Hey Jimbo, wanna go hit on some old ladies at the bingo hall? Peilei, why do you keep eating all of my Snack Packs, you conniving thief? Oh Pubert, why in the name of all holy names do you have such a silly name?" It was a hopeless failure.
However, I didn't stop there. I went to work on many other prospects. I tried changing the names of "Sallys," "Jessies" and even "Raphaels." It just wouldn't work. All of these laborious name experimentations ultimately led me to one undeniable conclusion: We truly are ... our names. I call this: The "One-and-Only-One Name for One Person" property.
Now, whether our names define us or we define our names is yet to be seen. For instance, did the coolness of Elvis Presley's name precede and ultimately determine the coolness of the person whom he would become, or did the coolness of the person simply emphasize or justify the ownership of such a cool name? What I propose is that the unexplainable fame of the King of Rock n' Roll may have never come to be had he been named Edward.
Now, "experts" in the broad field of names might argue that the reason for this "Name Property" dilemma I speak of is due to a memory reflex in our brains. Repetitively using one's name to address him or her subconsciously makes us identify that person with that name -- or so they say. However, I believe this statement to be absolute rubbish! Just look at the facts: Cool people have cool names. Jimi Hendrix, Jimmy Dean (also known as James Dean), James Earl Jones, Joan of Arc, R. Kelly, Kelly Osborne (who likes cash), Johnny Cash, and Johnny Depp -- eight very cool names, eight very cool people -- although Kelly Osborne and R. Kelly might have been pushing it.
However, on that same token, people with not-so-great names are, all in all, not so great. For example, the fisherman-turned-assistant sheriff Gomer Pyle was cursed when his parents tacked that embarrassing name to his childhood crib. No wonder he grew up with giant bulging eyes and a screechy voice. Can you blame the guy? Speaking of screechy, look at the nerd of all nerds: Samuel "Screech" Powers from Saved By The Bell. He should have smacked his mom the second they cut the cord! And how many times in your life have you met a person who didn't annoy you, who upon leaving said, "Oh, by the way, my name is Rupert"? It just doesn't happen. Can you see Michael J. Fox with a name like Al Gore, or Janet Reno with a name like Marilyn Monroe? Obviously, the answer is no.
So with this in mind, let me end with a piece of advice to any soon-to-be parents. You've heard the facts, you've seen the evidence ... you know the truth. Don't let uncoolness happen to your child. It's a sad and painful day when a mother realizes she's injected her pride and joy with the nerd serum. And trust me, the poke of the needle hurts them more than it hurts you.
E-mail Travis at tjabels@bsu.edu.
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