To tell you truth, I'm not even sure why I waste my time with this little column. There's no doubt that after I pitch this idea to Hollywood's finest producers, it's going to be nothing but rolls of cash and girls with plastic-enhanced bodies. I'll roll down the California- streets in my "six-fo" sippin' on a 40 as I go. Would you like know the best part about my new movie idea?
The setting: A big city, with as many hot dog stands as struggling actors with false hope, vended by the greasiest bunch of overweight guys who speak in thick New York accents.
The main characters: A white cop named Tom (his parents and friends all used to call him Tommy, but he dropped the "y" in high school) from the upper-middle class who likes to dress up on the weekends in Armani and sip on Yellow Parrot Cocktails. He has a ridiculously beautiful wife/girlfriend/significant other who has an increasing annoyance with Tom's bad-ass cop duties.
Next, a stereotypical black cop named Tyrone whose use of clich? phrases like "bling, bling" and "I hear dat!" are there to provide comedic relief. His street savviness with a leather jacket and dance moves help him to fight crime while still maintaining his Shaft-esque cool.
The plot: A foreign terrorist group that owns a night club is led by a one-eyed Russian/-Asian kung-fu master/evil rabbi that is planning on assassinating the president, taking over the Jenny Jones show, intercepting five atomic warheads and detonating them in the heart of Los Angeles.
For the fate of the country, it's imperative these crime fighters overcome their gargantuan differences, such as Tyrone's love for rap and Tom's love of country music.
The unpredictable ending: Tyrone and Tom struggle to untie themselves from a deadly concoction, which consists of two chairs placed back-to-back with rope.
Meanwhile the one-eyed Russian/Asian kung-fu master/evil rabbi laughs horrendously as he slowly directs his finger to the "earth-destruction" button located in his portable terrorist console which doubles as a silver attach? case.
Suddenly, to save mankind from certain peril, Tom and Tyrone's captain, who's been shot 97 time and lies presumably dead under a burning Corvette. He then musters up enough strength to put a bullet in the back of Mr. Bad Guy's head.
I didn't realize how awesome my movie idea was. So long suckers. I'm off to Hollywood!
Travis Abels
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