After doing approximately .09 seconds of research into car buying (.08 consisting of making up the other .01), I discovered that many people have bought cars through a negotiation ritual known as "haggling." Here, we will examine haggling more closely.
A "seller," defined in my head, is "a person who is asking for three times the value of a car for which you have one-third of the money."
Quite the wily sort, the seller must be gently coaxed. Typically, a buyer will be interested in a car and approach the seller. The "buyer," defined in my head as "a victim," must approach with caution.
Do not use humor or the word "lemon." Do not attempt to become friends or in any way caress the seller. Finally, do not taunt the seller or poke him with a stick.
Special attention must be given to attire so as to appear both poor and rich at the same time. Here, polo shirts work well, because middle management people invariably wear them.
Additionally, polo shirts allow you to either portray a high roller just off the golf course or a poor sap from the wrong end of town who thinks a polo shirt is "dressed up." Social status ambiguity runs rampant among polo shirt wearers.
Do not reveal that you have money or the seller will want it all. Here, it is important to "lie." For example, if you are willing to spend $2,000, be sure to tell the seller you only have $1,500. This is called "low-balling."
After being low-balled, the seller will explain how he cannot possibly part with the vehicle for any less than his asking price. He'll possibly cite his mean wife and explain that if he budges on the price, he will be eating bologna sandwiches and sleeping on the couch for a month.
Do not listen.
Instead, move to the next step. Come up a little by saying you can "possibly get another small amount of cash" if you can make a phone call.
Borrow the seller's phone and call a buddy who never has any money. This could be any of your friends. If you have no friends, feel free to call me. Once you chat quietly for a moment, hang up and tell the seller you've come up with another $200. This is called "acting."
This is the point where the seller will pause and gaze deeply at the car he bought for $500, wondering if he can survive. This is also "acting." Sellers are often better than William Shatner.
"Spock..." the meek little man will say, "You're out of your Vulcan mind if you think I can part with this vehicle for anything less than $2,000."
This is where you insist on your price. Point out flaws in the car. Say it "shimmies," which (whatever it is) has to be bad. Mention that the car is great, except for a few things which will cost you extra money to repair. Finally, tell the seller you have cash on you.
Cash works wonders. Sellers have been known to claw their way over counters, people, small children and friendly woodland creatures for cash. Cash can change people. Cash can change the world. I often wonder why they just don't print more of it.
With the right amount of cash in hand and the proper haggling, one can easily drive away in a moderately priced vehicle that may well make it across town before falling apart. This is known as "buying a car." Heed these words carefully and good luck.
Incidentally, I have a car for sale.
Write to John at kingseyeland@hotmail.com
Read More
Three Air Jam teams take home the win
October 12, 2012Nineteen teams shimmied, shook and flipped for a sold out John R. Emens Auditorium on Thursday night during the 25th annual Air Jam.
Bill Clinton Speaks at North Central High School
October 12, 2012Former President's Speech Could Have Effect on State Senate Race
